InuYasha No Baka: A Feudal Mishap
by Morgana Maeve
Summary: Take the idea of InuYasha, throw in some stupidity, add a dash of randomness, and mix it all up with some crude humor Yami style, and what do you get? InuYasha No Baka of course! Rated for InuYasha's potty mouth and some sexual humor.
1. Chapter 1

InuYasha No Baka: A Feudal Mishap. Literally

By: Yami 396

Yes, yes, I know, I know! I should be updating my other stories instead of making a new one, but this idea won't leave me alone!

Those of you who are looking for a well written story with a plot and serious/romantic moments that bring tears to your eyes, and makes you think about life in general...please go away. This is a parody, and while I hope it is well written, it is made simply for me to poke fun of my favorite anime and provide you with some cheap laughs. Those with a sense of humor…please stay for the ride.

Think of it as one of those Scary Movie things, totally tasteless, yet too funny to resist. Rated for potty language and some sexual situations later on.

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A completely red clad figure flew through the air, lean muscles flexing under the baggy clothes making fangirls across the nation swoon in delight, long silver hair that those aforementioned would kill for swaying in the breeze, just waiting for fingers to be run through it…but I digress. The figure swiftly moved in the air, intent on reaching the line of trees just ahead, his precious cargo gripped tightly in his hands, not enough to endanger it, but just enough so that he wouldn't drop it. He had just cleared the rails that were years ahead in technology than what was expected in Feudal Japan when an arrow came whizzing through the air, followed by the cry:

"InuYasha!"

The arrow hit him in the shoulder, with enough force to drive him into the tree behind him. He let out an oath.

"Fuck!" he shouted as his precious cargo fell out of his momentarily stunned grip to bounce on the floor. The figure that shot the arrow glared at him.

"InuYasha," it said sadly. InuYasha squinted at it; it was standing in the sun.

"Can you fucking move out of the sun, you asshole!" he yelled. The figure sighed and stepped sideways, and to the anger of InuYasha, and the horror of the fangirls, the figure turned out to none other than Kikyo.

"Will nothing ever purify that mouth of yours," she scolded. "I thought you would have stopped by now, all the times I've had to purify you."

"Shut the fuck up and let me go!" InuYasha yelled, struggling to break free of the arrow. He needed to get his precious!

"No InuYasha, I cannot. You have betrayed me," Kikyo said gravely, holding her shoulder where blood spilled from the wound inflicted on her.

"Oh come on! So I stole it! Big fucking deal!"

"I trusted you!"

InuYasha was still struggling with the arrow. Despite all of his inhuman strength, he could not remove the arrow from his shoulder.

"You will never be able to break free from my enchanted arrow," Kikyo informed him. "The only one that will be able to is my reincarnation, but she will never come here because the producers of the anime decided to make her act like a bubble-headed loon."

"Bitch!" InuYasha yelled. "Let me go!"

"Be quiet InuYasha! This is my monologue!" Kikyo snapped. "You see! Now I've forgotten what I wanted to say…oh wait!" She stooped down to pick up InuYasha's precious. "All this for this one simple thing," she said, looking sadly at it. "You betrayed me for my double cheese bacon burger. I can never forgive you for this!"

"I was hungry! You don't feed me!" InuYasha protested. He was starting to feel sleepy, the aftereffects of not eating for months.

"I told you before InuYasha. You need to go on a diet," Kikyo said firmly. To InuYasha's horror, Kikyo sat down, forgetting about her bleeding shoulder, and began to eat the double cheese bacon burger. "This is really good!"

"You're gonna eat it in front of me?" InuYasha yelled, snapping awake. Kikyo only nodded.

"Yes, this is your punishment," she said standing up, licking her fingers clean of any remaining burger.

"It's my fault you think I need to go on diet?"

"I know it's your fault."

"Bitch! You've never seen me naked, so how the hell would you know?"

"And who's fault is that?"

"Where the hell are you going!" InuYasha yelled over to her as she walked away. Kikyo sighed.

"I have to leave InuYasha. Go to sleep," she commanded.

"Like hell I will! Let me go!"

"Look InuYasha!" Kikyo snapped, patience wearing thin. "I have to go now. You see those people over there? I have to go die in front of them and my little sister, scarring her for life. Okay? Now go to sleep!" InuYasha knew better than mess with her when she was angry, and gave in to the feelings of sleepiness that were washing over him, eager to get away from the throbbing pain in his empty stomach, and the headache that his conversation with Kikyo had brought on.

"Sister, you're hurt!" a ten-year-old Kaede exclaimed, looking up at her kneeling sister. "We must tend to your wounds!"

"And what horrid wounds they are! How did you get those?" another villager asked.

"I tripped down the stairs in front of the shrine," Kikyo mumbled. "And no, you cannot treat them. I will soon pass into another realm." She held out the burger wrapper. "Burn this with my body!" she instructed Kaede. Kaede looked at Kikyo in confusion.

"But sister! If you're dead, who will protect the Shikon No Tama?" Kaede asked. Kikyo rolled her eyes.

"Of all the damn things you could have brought up, you bring up _that_ one," she grouched. "Can't you look after it?" she asked Kaede. Kaede shook her head frantically.

"No, no I couldn't! You're the guardian of the Shikon Jewel! Besides, I'm not strong enough to kill the hordes of demons that come to steal it! And I have only one eye!" she cried. Kikyo glared at her.

"Fine! Burn that with my body while you're at it," Kikyo snapped. "I'll take it with me to Hell. It's kind of pretty." She shrugged.

"Forgive me for speaking my mind, but Kikyo-sama, aren't you a little lively for a person so close to death?" a villager asked. Kikyo looked at him, and then quickly fell down dead. "Oh, methinks I spoke too soon."

So it was then that the legendary miko Kikyo met her doom from chasing after the hanyou InuYasha and falling down the several hundred steps that led up to the shrine. Let this be a lesson to all of you; never, never, never, never, ever chase a hanyou down a flight of stairs, even if he did take your double cheese bacon burger.

Kikyo was cremated, and InuYasha was carried off to the Goshinboku, where he was promptly searched for valuables by greedy villagers, (though they didn't find anything except for an ugly little black pearl, which they used to amuse themselves with playing catch with it until one of them accidentally shoved it into InuYasha's eye) where he stayed, pinned to tree for fifty years.

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"I so hungry!" A fifteen year-old girl proclaimed, setting down her tray on the nearest table at the local WacDonald's. Her friends quickly joined her, frowning in response to her statement.

"Kagome, don't you think that's a little much?" one, Yuka, asked.

"Huh?" Kagome asked, mouth full of food. Eri sighed.

"I know you love double cheese bacon burgers to death Kagome, but you can't expect to eat a whole tray full and stay healthy!" she snapped, waving her arms at the impressive display of burgers on Kagome's tray. It was true; the entire tray was a mound of burgers, all stacked together like some kind of modern-day pyramid made out of food.

"Look, we've been through this before," Kagome said, swallowing her fourth burger whole. "I don't know why, but every time I see one of these burgers, I get this uncontrollable urge to eat it! I can't help it! It's like they call me to them or something!" She quickly began eating her fifth and sixth one simultaneously. Ayumi hid her face in fear.

"At least Hojo-kun doesn't see you like this," Eri commented. Hojo was the school heartthrob, though his popularity with the fangirls was lacking. He was adored by all the girls in his school, and Kagome harbored mixed feelings about him. It wasn't that he was bad looking or anything, but he was a health-food nut, and he didn't like burgers, especially double cheese bacon burgers…

"Remember that time when they ran out of burgers?" Ayumi suddenly asked. Eri and Yuka groaned, but Kagome remained catatonic to them, intent on her burger massacre. Ayumi went on. "The guy behind the register was trying to tell her that there were no more burgers left. It was like it was the end of the world. Kagome just blew up at him, waving her arms around and screaming that they were hiding the burgers from her. Then she started off about being able to sense them and junk, and the next you know, Kagome's behind the register, tearing the whole place apart!"

"Yeah well," Kagome began, mouth still full of food. Her friends made sounds of disgust, and Kagome swallowed before resuming. "It turned out they were hiding them from me. I found them all the way in the back by the freezer."

"Yeah, but the only problem was…they were frozen!"

"So, all he had to do was heat them up!"

"He didn't have a choice! You were standing over him with a spatula in your hand, waiting to beat him with it if he didn't heat them up!" Eri yelled, her excessive loudness and arm waving attracting nearly everyone's in the fast food joint attention.

"Can you calm down?" Kagome hissed at her.

"Me? You want me to calm down! You burger loving, artery choking, spatula waving psycho!" Eri exploded, standing up on the table and pointing a finger at her. "One day, the cows will have their revenge on you. You just wait," she said ominously, climbing back down.

"And I'm the psycho," Kagome said, standing up to place her now empty tray on the garbage. She had managed to eat the entire pyramid of burgers in six minutes flat. "You're talking about cows, but I'm the psycho."

"Yes…yes you are…" Eri whispered, drumming her fingers together as the music from _Psycho_ began playing.

"Okay, now you're starting to scare me," Ayumi said, looking nervously around at the darkening restaurant. "Can we put the lights back on?"

"So Kagome, what are you doing for your birthday?" Eri asked, completely normal again.

"Stay as far away from home as I can," Kagome answered. "I love my family and all, but they are just to freaky from me. Mom's always happy, Gramps always has these stupid legends, and Sota plays video games all day. That brat is not human. He never gets up from in front of the TV."

"But it's your fifteenth birthday!" Ayumi said, scandalized. "It's important!"

"No, that's my sixteenth birthday," Kagome sighed. "It's only in Spanish cultures that my fifteenth birthday is important.

"You mean we're not in Spain!"

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," Kagome said. "Besides, it's not like I'm going to get anything good anyway. I already found Gramps' present for me. It's a mummified hand of a water kappa." The other girls made the appropriate sounds of disgust even though they really didn't give a damn. They would be interested if Kagome got new makeup or something; then they could beg it off of her.

"What'd you do with it?" Yuka asked, stifling a yawn.

"I gave it to Buyo to eat," Kagome said, rolling her eyes. "That's why I don't want to go home. Gramps might have noticed it was missing."

"Well, you'll have to face the music some day," Eri said getting up. "Call us if you get anything good! That way we can steal it from…we can…bye!" The girls made their exit, smacking Eri on the head for almost giving away their brilliant plan. Luckily, the producers made Kagome such a bubblehead; she didn't notice her friend's slip of the lip.

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Kagome wandered slightly around the shrine she called home, wondering how to best avoid her gramps. She had already trashed several ideas, some of which included her coming home with her hair dyed blonde and having several tattoos and piercing so that her gramps would forget about the whole mummified kappa hand. But then she would probably get in trouble for the other stuff, so she was stuck. A charred burger wrapper flew in the breeze, landing on Kagome's face.

"What the?" she asked, examining it. "What is this?" She held it between two fingers, far away from her body as possible. She gasped. The wrapper seemed so familiar…she was somewhere…in the middle of a field…was she having a flashback? She was eating something_…"OMG! It's a double bacon cheeseburger!"_ Kagome thought, reverting to computer speech…now she was talking to someone…he had really nice hair…now she was angry…the burgers were gone…she was running…stairs…she was tripping on those stairs_…"Hey, aren't those my stairs?"_ Kagome thought again…she tried to grab the railing…her fingers were too greasy…her hand was slipping… "Oohhh…that's gonna leave a mark," Kagome said aloud, watching the image in her mind tumble head over heels.

"Sis!" The sudden sound of her brother's voice made her jump.

"Jeez, Sota! What's wrong with you? You'll give me a heart attack," Kagome snapped at him, holding her hand to heart in a pose that all players of InuYasha: Feudal Combat know all –too well. Sota rolled his eyes.

"The freaking cat is gone," he said. "After you fed him that crap, he got sick all over the stairs, and Gramps made me bring him outside. Now he's gone."

"You lost my cat!" Kagome shrieked.

"He's not yours; you never take care of him. Besides, he's probably in the well house, being sick in there," Sota said calmly, used to his sister's sudden outbursts of spontaneous panic.

"We have to find him!" Kagome yelled, pulling the well house's doors open and plunging down into the darkness, oblivious to any dangers that the rotten planks that served as stairs might serve. "Buyo! Where are you?" she yelled, searching through the darkness.

"Can you really see down there?" Sota asked, eyebrows raised.

"No, but there's a light coming from the well. Maybe if I open it, the light will fill up the whole room," Kagome said, standing in front of the now glowing well.

"Sis…I think you should get away from it," Sota said as he backed up.

"Why?" Kagome asked. "Frightened?" As if in answer, the well's lid shattered, and a giant (butt-ugly) monster reached out and grabbed Kagome, dragging her down into the well.

"Shit," Sota said, somewhere between being impressed and being frightened out of his wits.

Meanwhile, in the well, Kagome and the monster were fighting. Actually, it was more like Kagome trying to wriggle her way out of the monster's grip, and the monster not really giving a damn.

"What are you doing?" Kagome screeched at it. "Let me go!"

"Not a chance," the monster replied. "I get paid on the hour to drag innocent souls down into this well. The more souls, the more pay."

"Why are you in my well?" Kagome demanded.

"You want me gone, get an exorcist. Better yet, get those Spirit Detectives that some times show up in the InuYasha world. You might get lucky and one of them will fall in love with you. It happens all the time," the monster said.

"I don't want any Spirit Detectives! I want to go home!" Kagome whined.

"If beggars could be choosers, I wouldn't be in this well, sweetheart," the monster said calmly. It was all used to this; unwilling souls dragged down into the depths of the dark and scary well that suddenly started blubbering anything that came to mind were commonplace.

"Don't call me sweetheart, you nasty centipede woman!" Kagome snapped, noticing that her captor was very naked, and starting to regenerate flesh.

"I'm a man."

"Oh…" Kagome was stunned into silence until they reached the bottom of the well with a thud.

"Damn it! Open the damn thing up!" the centipede man said sharply to the ground.

"Password!" came an annoying little voice in response. The centipede man rolled his eyes.

"Double bacon cheeseburger with a soft drink and fries," the centipede man said. A blue light flashed. "Oh yeah, I have to come back and fight you, so be ready. And to make it look like I fought you just now, here's some of my arms." He handed Kagome two of them, and she threw them away as soon as he was gone.

"This is SO gross!" she yelled. "Sota, I'm going to kick your butt when I get up there!" She began climbing a handily placed vine at the side of the well, which somehow didn't break under her weight, and she climbed out. "Sota! Where are you!" she snapped when she reached the top. She looked around.

Trees lined her vision, everywhere she turned there were more trees and grass and butterflies. Kagome felt her mouth drop open. She had never seen so many trees in her life!

"Oh wow! I don't think I'm in Tokyo anymore," she mumbled stupidly. Who in their right minds said that? "Sota where are you?" she asked, still believing she was somehow still in the shrine. "Sota? Mom? Gramps? Anyone?" No one answered. "Oh! I know! I'll call Buyo! He's smart! I'll call him, and then he can get help!" However, the cat was not around, and Kagome grumbled, "Should've named him Lassie instead."

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Somewhere, in a giant void on nothingness, a state of panic could be observed. Two harried Japanese men were running around, the control panel in front of them whirring and beeping and flashing as they shouted and smacked into each other.

"I thought you took care of this!" Suwa Machihiko snapped.

"I did! But the centipede woman," the other, Ueda Masuo whimpered before he got cut off.

"I'm a MAN!" the centipede man yelled.

"Suwa!" Ueda yelled.

"I'm sorry boss!" Suwa whimpered again, trying to figure out a way to correct the fatal error that had just occurred. "I know that Kagome's not supposed to be around InuYasha, but I can't do anything about it! If we change the script a little…" Suwa trailed off.

"This will change the whole series!" Ueda yelled, waving his arms around. "Quick, tell InuYasha not to kill her!"

"Too late. InuYasha's cell is off."

"But Kagome's a loon. She'll never figure out what's going on," Ueda reassured himself. Little did he know…

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Well, that was very disturbing to write…I hope you enjoy it! R&R! Please! Onegai! Por favor!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Things Only Get Worse

Yami 396

In answer to the question of what I'm on: I am high off of the radioactive oxygen diffused from my socks. Anybody wishing to get some please call this number – 1-435-GET-SOCK

Disclaimer: I no own nothing in this chapter or the last. You no sue me. I no have money. I also do not own Yu Yu Hakusho. (Hint hint!)

I like to make fun of clichés and over used phrases, so if you have some, I'm willing to use them.

Warning – There's some good-natured Kagome, InuYasha, and Sesshoumaru-sama bashing happening in this chapter, simply because I don't like Kagome too much, InuYasha's been asking for this ever since I found out something about his name, and I've always wanted to do this to Sesshoumaru-sama. Oh, and shounen-ai shows up a little bit too. Enough of my babbling!

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"Jeez, you would think that they would be smart enough to put a road through here!" Kagome groused as she pushed her way through the tangled underbrush of the forest. She still had no clue as to where she was, and why there was an obvious lack of human activity anywhere around her. "And the air! It's too clean! That's just freaky!" She sneezed a few times to punctuate the remark and trudged forward. "Oh! The Goshinboku! I'll use that to find my way home, even though it seems to have vanished!"

If Kagome was expecting to find the incredibly hot hanyou seemingly waiting for her attached to the Goshinboku, she didn't show it. Her eyes widened in shock, and she called out to him a couple of times, waving her arms around like a windmill.

"Hey! Hey you! Why are you stuck to a tree?" she asked, even though he showed no signs of acknowledging her presence. "Hey! Don't be rude! I'm talking to you…do you know you have an arrow sticking out of your shoulder? Are you dead?"

(Meanwhile, Suwa and Ueda were having convulsions in their void of nothingness. Kagome was NOT supposed to have found InuYasha, and she was certainly NOT supposed to be talking to him or asking him if he was dead.)

"Are you listening to me!" Kagome snapped, climbing up an overgrown root so she could be level with him. She snapped her fingers in his face a few times, but even that didn't work, so she decided he must be dead, or it was some kind of pagan ritual that she had stumbled on, and figured she'd better get the hell out of there. Then, she noticed the ears.

Oh, the ears, the ears that made every fangirl everywhere swoon and sigh in front of their television sets. Those ears were girl magnets; everybody knew that. Little triangular dog-ears that twitched and drooped and did all sorts of things, who could resist them? Oh, of course, the jealous boyfriends of the fangirls didn't like them, and someone, only known as The Fluff-meister, had a personal campaign against them, but they aren't important right now. All that mattered was that Kagome had seen them, and as the moth is to the flame, as little tiny fish are to the big glowing thing on bigger fish that want to eat them, as little children are to the brightly colored containers of poisonous cleaning chemicals, she was attracted to them. With a squeal loud enough to make birds fly away in fright, she leaped towards the dead/sleeping/pagan figure and began fiddling with his ears for several minutes.

_"I knew I shouldn't have, but I felt this compulsion to touch them all of a sudden," she would later say during a trial brought about by unnecessary touching in fanfictions, (the touching of _what_ exactly is still unknown) but that thought never crossed her mind as she played with them while he was asleep/dead on the Goshinboku._

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In the void of nothingness, Suwa and Ueda were done with convulsions, and were now suffering from post-traumatic shock.

"She…she…_touched_ them. She _touched_ the _ears_…" Suwa muttered, rocking back and forth on his heels. "Nobody…nobody can touch those ears…they're…they're…_untouchable_!"

"Just what I need. Another lawsuit up my ass," Ueda groaned, smacking the control panel, causing several alarms to go off. "Great. Now I've just alerted the villagers to an intruder in the forest. Does anyone have any sake? I think I need some."

"I've got apple cider!" a voice chimed in. It's…hic…really strong!"

"Who let her in here?" Ueda yelled. "Get her out! Damn fangirl!"

"Sesshoumaru-sama rocks my socks!" she yelled as two bodyguards threw her out of the void.

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"Now that that's out of my system," Kagome sighed. "I feel kind of stupid, but everybody likes that line, so I have to deliver it."

"You! Hold still while we try to shoot you with arrows and miss horribly!" a man's voice commanded. Kagome shrieked as several arrows missed her and hit the tree. She clutched the hanyou, burying her face in his chest, causing some boos and popcorn throwing from the fangirls, (and a few boys too) oblivious to the fact the she was embracing a strange and potentially dangerous young man, and didn't even put up a fight as the men bound her and carried her off to somewhere else.

"Let me go!" She yelled her favorite line besides 'InuYasha! Help me!' at the villagers. She continued to screech some more. "Let me go! Let me go! Let go of me!"

"Methinks we should have gagged her too," one whispered.

"Nay, what should have been done was get a better voice actress," another whispered back. "You know, one with a little less 'squeak'."

("They should be happy with what they have," Ueda mumbled angrily, taking a swig of apple cider.)

And that was how Kagome found herself the center of attention in a small village just outside of the forest. Men and women pointed and gawked at the strangely dressed girl sitting on a mat with her hands and legs bound who stared and gawked back at them.

"Make way for the high priestess Kaede!" someone yelled, and a badly aged woman walked over to her, using a large bow as a walking stick. An eye patch covered her left eye.

"And where be the demon?" she asked, looking around. Kagome raised an eyebrow at the way the old woman spoke. She knew the speech pattern from somewhere, but she couldn't quite place where she had heard it. Kaede was still looking around, the eye showing moving around in its socket as if it where alive. Again, Kagome wondered about her. There was something strange about that eye…

"Kaede-sama, the demon is…Arrggh!" The man who was speaking was cut off when Kaede brought her bow down, smashing it on his head.

"Be gone, ye demon! Be gone!" Kaede yelled, using Old-English words that had no right to be used in an anime about Feudal Japan. "I shall purify ye!" Kagome watched the entire spectacle; incredibly happy that she had finally placed where the speech pattern came from.

"Yes! I am SO good," she whispered, trying to wave her arms to no avail.

"Kaede-sama!" another man yelled, trying to edge around her bow. "Kaede-sama! Methinks you have your eye patch on the wrong eye again!" Kaede stopped beating the other man, whose limbs were hanging at odd angles, and turned to the sound of the man's voice.

"But I put it on my right eye," she whined, glaring at the man, even though her eye was rolling back into its socket. The man flinched, slightly squeamish about the eye.

"Kaede-sama, when you look in a mirror, your reflection is the same. You don't need to put it on the opposite eyes when you look in a mirror," one of the woman said, venturing forward. "You have to put your eye patch on the same eye." Kaede frowned.

"That makes no sense," she stated. The woman sighed.

"Trust me, Kaede-sama. Move your eye patch to your other eye and see if you can see properly again." Kaede did so, and to her extreme embarrassment, the woman was right.

"I knew that," Kaede said, refusing to meet anybody's eyes. The villagers were used to this, and no one said anything about it. "So this child is the demon?" she asked, pointing towards Kagome.

"Hey! Do I look like demon to you?" Kagome shot back. Kaede merely threw dust on her. "Stop that! You'll set off my…my…aller-ACHOO!" Kagome sneezed, and several villagers dropped to their knees, praying that they wouldn't die tomorrow from some new disease.

While Kagome was shaking her head, trying to dispel the tickling sensation in her nose, Kaede examined her.

"Tell me," Kaede spoke. "If ye speak the truth that ye are not a demon, do ye like double bacon cheeseburgers, extra-greasy, with jumbo fries, and a diet coke?"

"How did you know?" Kagome asked softly, awed.

"Ye resemble my sister in actions, if not in looks," Kaede said, thinking, _"I don't why everyone says she looks like Kikyo; they look nothing alike! At least not in this anime…manga, a little bit…anime, no."_

"What do you mean I look like your sister?" Kagome asked, confused.

"I did not say that," Kaede corrected. "Compared to my sister, ye look as dumb as bricks and just as plain, yet ye share the same obsession for double bacon cheeseburgers."

"Well thanks a lot," Kagome snapped sarcastically. "People tell me that I'm quite pretty for your information!"

"Only fanboys who have no life find ye attractive."

"Oh yeah! In hentai fanfictions and doujinshi's, I'm always described as creamy!"

"And that's a good thing?"

Silence.

"What's bad about being creamy," Kagome asked, tears beginning to well in her eyes. Kaede rolled her eye.

"The term 'creamy' is good to use for describing a cream puff. Or a milkshake. Not a fifteen year-old-girl," Kaede said pointedly.

("Why is this conversation even taking place?" Suwa asked no one in particular.)

"Well, I like it!" Kagome said with a huff, turning her head away.

"As I said before, dumb as bricks," Kaede muttered. "Come inside, child, before ye hurt ye self." Kagome choose to ignore that comment, or maybe she hadn't understood it to be an insult, and followed Kaede into her hut.

Later that night, the village received a most unwelcome surprise. The Centipede 'Monster,' tired of working overtime and receiving minimal pay, decided to voice his opinions in a little bit of rioting. It started out harmless enough, he only tormented a few children who were out in the forest throwing rocks at InuYasha, but after being called a woman one too many times, he snapped. Slightly deranged, and more than a little tipsy, he attacked the village, and after convincing himself that some poor and unfortunate horse had insulted him grievously, gave the horse what was coming to it. Kaede, hearing the ruckus, stuck her head outside to see what was going on, and Kagome, stupidly, followed suit.

"AIEEE! It's dead!" she shrieked when the Centipede…Thing threw the carcass at her.

"Be quiet," Kaede hissed. "This is normal; ye just need to let him cool down a bit. I bet he's been stealing into the sake stores again." Kagome was not listening; instead, she was prancing around the horse corpse, screeching about how nasty it was. It would have been easier for her to disappear back into the hut, but for some strange reason, she thought the whole ordeal was her fault, and thus should stick around to see if she could make it worse.

"Lady Kaede!" a man yelled, holding a wooden shaft. "Arrows nor spears work on her!"

"MAN, MAN, MAN!" yelled the now very upset drunken Centipede Thing. "I am so sick of all of you saying I'm a woman! I've had it!"

"Now you had to go and tick it off even more," Kaede grumbled. "He won't stop until he passes out…what in heaven's name are you doing!" she shouted at Kagome, who was trying get all the horses out of the vicinity. Unfortunately, all this accomplished was getting the raging Centipede Thing to notice her.

"You! You called me a woman too!" he yelled, diving towards her. Kagome shrieked and ran away, heading towards the forest.

"Don't…run…" Kaede tried to warn her. _"I better be getting extra for this,"_ she thought irritably, climbing up on a horse, only to fall off the other side.

Meanwhile, in the forest, InuYasha awoke, startling the little children who came back after the centipede had gone.

"It's alive!" one the boys yelled. He would later become the ancestor of Dr. Frankenstein, and also the ancestor of the creator of Jell-o.

"I smell it," InuYasha growled, paying no mind to the little children watching him. "The blood of the woman who killed me." As he was saying this, he looked positively evil, earning himself some gasps from the fangirls, and puzzled looks from the children.

"He doesn't look dead," one of them pointed out.

"Shh…let him believe what he wants to," another, older, one said, hushing the child. "It's easier just to let him be. He's been out of it for a while." InuYasha reached for the arrow that bound him to the tree, but as his claws came closer to it, it began to glow with a protective barrier, effectively stopping him from removing it.

"Damn," he muttered. "I could really go for a cheeseburger right now."

"Eating cheeseburgers will make you fat," a coincidently chubby girl said.

"Looks like you've been eating a lot of them!" InuYasha countered.

"I'm gonna tell my mommy you said that!" she screamed, running down to the village, tears streaming from her eyes. She did not get very far. About halfway through the forest, she was intercepted by the raging Centipede Thing and the very panicky Kagome. More afraid of the screaming girl dressed in a strange green and white kimono that was way too short to be running in than the giant centipede, the chubby girl ran as fast as she could back to the safety of the Goshinboku.

"It's coming back!" she screeched, skidding to a halt in front of the tree.

"What's coming back?" InuYasha barked. The children ignored him. "Answer me damn it!" The Centipede Thing burst through the line of trees, Kagome flying through the air above it, and that was answer enough.

"My eyes! They burn!" one of the boys yelled, clamping is hands over them, and ran back to the partially demolished village, the other children following quickly at his heels.

As the dust settled, and its musty smell ebbed away, InuYasha's nose picked up a very familiar, very bittersweet, very annoying scent. The scent of greasy, five percent cow meat, ninety-five percent preservatives, fat, and steroids, mixed in with stale bread, fake cheese, and fatty bacon assaulted his nose, dredging up memories of fifty years buried. His nose wrinkled, and a name came floating, unbidden, to mind.

"Kikyo." The girl, who looked so much like Kikyo, yet did not look like her, looked up at him stupidly.

"Who?" she asked.

"Kikyo," he repeated, eye traveling over her, taking in her strange clothes. There was silence, in which the girl, this Kikyo-like thing that could not possibly be Kikyo, gaped at him, and then InuYasha was blurting out something he should have said a long time ago, before it had been too late, "Kikyo…I…you…you've put on some weight, haven't you?"

"What?" Kagome asked, slightly incredulous, as the…boy…man…thing…with piercing golden eyes stared at her. And then, what he had just said slowly began to sink in, and she comprehended that he just called her fat. "What did you say?" Her tone was dark, as it had been when she had threatened the burger-flipping boy, suggesting violence sometime in the near future.

"I said, Kikyo," he drawled, drawing out the name, "That you were putting on some weight. Been eating too many of those double bacon cheeseburgers?"

"First off," Kagome began. "I'm not fat. I'm quite skinny, thank you very much. Secondly, I'm not this Kikyo person. I'm Kagome. Get it right."

"If I say you're Kikyo, then you're Kikyo! You get it!" snapped InuYasha, irritably. Thinking for extended periods of time tended to hurt his brain, and the wench in front of him with the squeaky voice and Kikyo-like scent who denied she was Kikyo, was a puzzle, and InuYasha would be damned if he had to figure one out.

"I'm not Kikyo!" Kagome insisted, stamping a foot. "I'm Kagome! Ka-go-me!"

"You have to be Kikyo! Only Kikyo would smell like five percent cow meat, ninety-five percent preservatives, fat, and steroids, mixed in with stale bread, and fake chee-" InuYasha broke off and sniffed. Kagome was standing nearly on top of him, having sneaked up onto the overgrown root while he was monologuing. "You're not her!"

"Told you!" InuYasha turned away, or at least, he turned as far away as he could pinned to the Goshinboku.

"Should've known," he berated himself. "The cheese is different, and Kikyo didn't look and act dumb like a moose." Kagome's eyes widened in anger, and she was about to give InuYasha a piece of her mind when the Centipede Thing came crashing down the tree, waiting for their little conversation to end. He grabbed Kagome, and in a fit of terror, she grabbed InuYasha's hair, which amazingly didn't break or tear out of his head, and remained suspended in air.

(Suwa and Ueda were both watching this with matching faces of horror.)

"Gah! Help me!" Kagome screeched, as the Centipede Thing pulled on her legs.

"Get off, get off, get off!" yelled InuYasha in one of his few justifiable rages. "Get off of me!"

"Not a chance!"

"Can we have the camera back on me?" the Centipede Thing called out, whom, even in the best of times, did not appreciate being ignored. "I promised to fight you wench, so let's fight!" He pulled her ankles harder, and, in the pain of being stretched out, Kagome let go of InuYasha's hair, sending her sailing into the sky. As she flew up, part of her side became caught on the Centipede Thing's abnormally long fangs (when he went to the Fang Shop, they gave him a pair that was ten times too large) and ripped open her skin, allowing a small pinkish purplish jewel to burst out.

_"Miss Kagome, would you care to explain to the court why it is that this wound just seemingly disappeared?" a (jealous) fangirl asked her during another one of Kagome's court appearances, this one being for the possession of illegal and potentially dangerous skin products. "A wound like that would have definitely scarred on a normal human being. What makes you so special?"_

_"I don't know," Kagome answered, sweating slightly. "Luck?"_

"Is that the Shikon No Tama!" InuYasha demanded, struggling against his bonds. "Give it to me!" Kagome stared at up at him, and then back to the jewel, seemingly mesmerized.

"Nay child!" Kaede warned her, popping up out of nowhere. "Ye mustn't let him have the jewel!"

"Then take out this arrow!" InuYasha snapped, gesturing to his shoulder.

"Why?" Kagome asked, still staring at the jewel.

"Don't do that either!" Kaede commanded. "Don't do anything to him!"

"If you're all going to fight about it, then I'm taking the jewel," the Centipede Thing said, popping the jewel into its mouth.

"Don't you dare!" But the command came too late, and the Centipede Thing at the Shikon No Tama, undergoing a hideous transformation.

"That is so gross," Kagome shrieked, as the Centipede Thing shed off its skin. "That is so gross, so gross, so gross!"

"Would you stop standing around like an idiot and pull this arrow out!" InuYasha barked at Kagome. Having enough already, Kagome marched up to the tree and snapped,

"Fine! If it gets you to shut up!"

"Nay!" Kaede yelled, but it was once again too late, and Kagome jerked the arrow out of InuYasha's shoulder. He began to pulsate, which was very strange to watch, and a demented laugh hissed though his mouth. Kagome, now slightly frightened, and not at all ready to abandon the whole pagan ritual theory, took a few steps back, falling off the root. Behind her, several of the villagers that had followed Kaede also took a step back, looking at Kaede for guidance. She, however, was not being helpful; rubbing her forehead and mumbling about how she was too old for this did not count.

"Stupid Centipede Thing! Have a taste of my claws and crappy English dubbing! Iron Reaver Soul Stealer!" InuYasha yelled, flexing his claws and recoiling off of the root to fly straight at the Centipede Thing, slashing through him mercilessly. In the time it took to blink an eye (and to bake an apple pie; ask Billy Boy) the Centipede Thing was no more than scattered parts raining down on the vicinity, spraying everyone with blood, and making everyone smell like cheap Skanky Centipede perfume.

"I am NOT in my happy place!" Kagome yelled sourly, picking chunks of flesh out of her hair. "Do you know how long it will take to wash this out of my hair?"

"Who gives a crap's ass about you hair!" InuYasha snarled. "Look at my hair! It's completely fucked up!"

"InuYasha. Kagome. Stop behaving like children," Kaede admonished. It was safe for her to come out from behind a rock now; the danger had finally passed.

"Stupid hag. Give me the jewel," InuYasha demanded, taking a threatening step towards Kaede.

"Nay, Kagome must protect it," Kaede said, while thinking, "_If I give this to Kagome, she's sure to screw this up somehow."_

"She'll fuck it up!" InuYasha howled.

"Excuse me?" Kagome interjected. "But what does the Shikon Jewel actually do?"

"I believe you have already seen its power," Kaede replied cryptically. InuYasha only snorted.

"Does it give power to demons?" Kagome guessed, eyebrow up. In all fairness, it was an educated guess; she just saw a sexually confused centipede demon transform after eating the jewel, and the jewel seemed like a big thing, so…

"Ha! Stupid wench," InuYasha laughed. "You're an idiot. The Shikon Jewel doesn't give extra power to anything. It's much better than that. Whoever possess it can eat as many cheeseburgers as they want, and they don't have to worry about getting fat or having their veins clogged." Kagome gasped.

"I believe it is the arteries that get clogged, not the veins," Kaede told InuYasha.

"Veins, arteries. What's the difference?" InuYasha asked carelessly, shrugging his shoulders.

"Oh my God, I need that back right now!" Kagome screeched, digging through piles of centipede cadaver to find the jewel. "I can't function without cheeseburgers!"

"Oi, wench!" InuYasha snarled, pulling her away from the piles of flesh. "The jewel is mine! Find your own!"

"InuYasha," Kaede groaned. "You're such a pain." The two began to bicker, InuYasha towering over Kaede, and Kaede threatening him with an arrow.

"Your name is InuYasha?" Kagome asked, looking slightly pensive. InuYasha nodded. "Doesn't that translate to 'Female Dog Demon'?" InuYasha's ears drooped.

"Errr…"

"You need to tell her someday," Kaede pointed out. "Best to tell her now, so she has time to adjust to it." InuYasha growled at her. Kagome laughed nervously.

"So are you a girl or something?" Kagome joked. InuYasha's face blazed red with embarrassment. The cool breeze suddenly stopped and it seemed hotter than normal. He could feel eyes staring at him, waiting for an answer.

Kagome's eyes widened, seeing the expression on his face, and said, "Oh Kami, you're serious. You're really a girl?" InuYasha opened his (her) mouth to say something, but all that came out was a squeak of dismay.

"InuYasha was at one time a girl," Kaede broke in, tired of watching Kagome stare at InuYasha, and he (she) stare at the floor. "But she likes to think of herself as a man." Kagome's mouth fell open, more than a little dismayed. Fangirls everywhere were having the same reaction, staring at their television sets in horror.

("You mean," Ueda said, blinking. "That he is in fact a she?")

"Shut up hag," InuYasha snapped. "I'm not a girl! I've taken care of that!" Kaede's eyebrow went up.

"You've taken care of that?" she repeated. InuYasha nodded.

"I found a doctor."

"What do you mean?" Kagome asked in all innocence. InuYasha gave her a patronizing stare.

"What do you think it means."

"I don't know. I'm asking you," Kagome replied.

"You're really stupid."

"Shut up! I don't get it!"

"Just think about it for a minute," Kaede said gently. "Think carefully about what (s)he means by 'taken care of it.' Kagome frowned and thought about it for a minute before her face changed as the full meaning of what (s)he had said.

"Ohhh." Kagome looked flabbergasted. "You mean _that_. As in _down there_."

"Feh."

"But how did you…manage…that?"

"Fingers grow back," InuYasha replied airily, wiggling them. Kagome's mouth opened more, eyes wide in panic, and more than just a bit horrified.

(Ueda and Suwa began washing their brains with bleach. They did not want to know that.)

"I think that's enough for tonight," Kaede said, trying to divert the subject. Several villagers were already fleeing the scene, holding their hands over their mouths and stomachs, and Kaede was in no mood to go and join them. "InuYasha is, for all purposes, male, and let's just leave it at that and not worry about certain parts of his anatomy."

"But all those lemons," Kagome groaned. "That's just so wrong on so many different levels."

So it began. The adventure that changed Kagome from a teenaged girl living in the future to a teenaged girl that ran around Feudal Japan had started that fateful night when she had pulled the arrow out of InuYasha's shoulder. The two were far from friends, Kagome still slightly perturbed from InuYasha's Feudal style sex change, and InuYasha upset because Kagome accidentally tried to chew the Shikon Jewel, thus shattering it, the pieces scattering all over the floor. Unfortunately, before she could fix it, someone swept the pieces up and deposited them in the trash, allowing the jewel shards to be anywhere within Japan. Kagome only managed to find one that had been swept into a crack between the floorboards.

Kaede made the pair go find the jewel shards, though neither of them wanted to.

"If a demon gets a hold of the jewel shards," she said, "Then anybody who makes cheeseburgers is at risk."

In the end, Kagome ended up losing her jewel shard to a demon that looked as if she should belong in the dark alleyways of New York City rather than Feudal Japan, but InuYasha made short work of her, with only a little help from Kagome.

"Really, I was the one who found the comb and broke it," Kagome argued when InuYasha took all the credit.

The real challenge came when InuYasha's older brother, Sesshoumaru, decided he wanted the Tetsusaiga, or the Tessaiga, the spelling didn't matter much. He was evil, mean, cruel, ruthless, but all of that could be overlooked because of two simple words: utter sexiness. Girls loved him, and even though he didn't give a damn if they all dropped dead, they backed him up on every decision that he made, always finding some reason to excuse his behavior.

"Oh, he's just misunderstood," they would say. "You Inu-shippers just don't give him a chance."

So when he got the idea in his head that he should try to kill his brother again, (fifty years was a long time, and he hadn't been able to get away from his fan base) nobody really questioned him.

Of course, finding Tetsusaiga was a bit of a problem, and it turned out that the little black pearl the men had accidentally jammed into InuYasha's eye was the gateway to their father's tomb. Sesshoumaru made quick work of that; he just simply gouged out his brother's/sister's eyes.

And that is how we find our heroes and our totally sexy antagonist inside a large corpse, with Kagome hanging onto its ribcage for dear life, InuYasha pointing a ragged and dirty useless sword at his brother, who looked completely bored by the whole spectacle. Really, all he wanted was the sword. He needed to leave soon; he was on a tight schedule.

"Give me the sword, you worthless half-breed," Sesshoumaru said, getting straight to the point. "You dishonor it." Who wrote this script? He glared silently at where the void of nothingness was.

"Come and fight me for it bastard!" InuYasha yelled tauntingly. Sesshoumaru sighed, and with utmost grace, reached behind his sheet of silvery hair, and pulled out a rose. Everyone stared at him, including his base of fangirls.

"WRONG ANIME!" A disembodied voice boomed throughout the skeleton, causing a few bones to rain down on InuYasha. "WRONG ANIME!" It sounded slightly panicked. Sesshoumaru rolled his eyes and out the rose back under his hair.

"What?" he asked. "I'm allowed to make a mistake."

0000000000000000

Suwa dropped his microphone, sweat pouring down his face.

"Kami above, please just kill me now," he said, falling to his knees.

"Is there anyway that we can edit that out?" Ueda asked. Suwa shook his head.

"Only on the DVD, but this is live," he spoke calmly. "Holy Hell! What are we going to do!" he suddenly shouted. "He just let it slip! He just let it slip that he's also Yoko Kurama! What the hell are we going to do now! If FUNimation finds out that one of their star characters also works for VIZ…"

"We'll be lynched," Ueda finished. "Wait, I've got an idea. Give me your cell phone. I'm going to place a very important call."

0000000000000000000

Somewhere in FUNimation Land

An annoying jingle sounded from the pocket of the red-haired hottie known as Kurama.

"Moshi-moshi," he answered it. As he listened to the voice on the other side, his face crumpled.

"What's up with him?" Yusuke asked, jabbing Hiei in the head.

"How should I know," he snapped, glaring at the taller boy. Kurama hung up, and began to cry.

"What the hell happened?" Yusuke asked, tomes of panic beginning to creep into his voice.

"They, they," hiccupped Kurama. "They said they had to change Yoko Kurama."

"I thought you didn't like him," Yusuke said, confused. Kurama only cried harder, and Hiei glared at him.

"You're no comfort. Go away," he instructed.

"No way. I can comfort better than you."

"But I'm shorter."

"What does height have to do with anything!"

"…You really are an idiot, aren't you."

………………………………………………………………………………

Fin! Fine! End!

Erm. Yeah. I couldn't help it. My Yaoi obsessed friend rubbed off on me. And InuYasha's name does literally translate to Female Dog Demon. Look it up on Wikipedia. And Sesshoumaru deserved it too. I regret nothing! (Just don't flame. This IS a PARODY after all.)

Moshi-moshi – Hello.

Billy Boy – I don't know if any of you remember that song, but it's a kid's song from the 90's and it always made me laugh from being delusional. (I was smart when I was younger, and because I play the piano, I know how to read music, so any music class bored me. The teacher didn't like to teach, so he just taught of this song all the time.) One of the lyrics is, 'she can bake an apple pie quick as a cat can blink an eye…' Just thought I'd sneak that in there.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Fanfictions Gone Wild

Yami396

Just by looking at title, you can tell how this is going down.

Dedicated to Caboose-Doughnut.

Disclaimer – I don't own InuYasha or Kingdom Hearts 1 or 2, but I do own the "How To Write Sesshoumaru/Kagome Fics for the Hormonal Masses." I'm hoping you all get the joke.

.:00000000000:.

Odds are, if the battle between InuYasha and Sesshoumaru had gone on longer, and InuYasha hadn't discovered his streak of luck and figured out how to work his sword, Sesshoumaru would have won. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on who the fangirls were rooting for, InuYasha accidentally pressed the TRANSFORM button on the hilt of the sword, triggering the inner mechanisms of gears that hadn't been used in centuries to retract the old, tattered, useless blade, clean it up a bit, and then spit it back out all nice and shiny.

"I didn't know it could do that!" InuYasha exclaimed, examining the blade. "Hey! It's furry!"

"See, I told you it was mine," Sesshoumaru snapped, pointing to his…boa…tail…thingy.

"Why do you wear that, anyway," InuYasha asked him. He'd always wanted to know, curiosity overweighing slight apprehension. Sesshoumaru sniffed.

"If you must know, it's a fashion statement," he said snobbishly, petting it. InuYasha looked at him as if he were an idiot.

"_That_ thing is a fashion statement?" InuYasha asked him incredulously. "What kind of message are you trying to make? The 'I can't dress myself properly in the morning' statement?"

"Don't call it a thing, you'll hurt its feelings!"

"Oh please," InuYasha said in his best Valley Girl accent. "You have some major issues. Go take it somewhere else." He flicked out his hand in front of him.

"InuYasha, you're acting like a girl," Kagome called down to him from her perch on a strategically placed branch. "What did I tell you about doing that?" InuYasha blinked.

"Oh yeah, I'm not supposed to do that anymore! Damn, being pinned to a tree for fifty years makes you forget things." He pointed Tetsusaiga at Sesshoumaru. "Okay you bastard, I'm gonna slit your stomach, take out your guts, and put 'em in a bowl!" InuYasha leaped at him, but before either one of them could react, there was a brilliant flash of light, and for a minute, nothing could be seen except for blinding white all around.

.:00000000000000:.

Everything shook inside the void of nothingness. Tapes fell out of shelves, coffee cups crashed to the floor, Ueda and Suwa were thrown from their chairs, and little bits of plaster rained down from the ceiling. There was horrific noise, like the sound of fingernails slowly scraping their way down a chalkboard. It was the stuff of nightmares.

"What the hell is going on?" yelled Ueda above the deafening noise. Suwa crawled out from his hiding place beneath the control board, holding his head.

"I don't know!" he yelled back. "But I think something bad is happening!"

"No shit!" Ueda yelled, secretly hoping that one of the plaster chunks fell on his partner's head. "No, this is just turbulence."

"We have turbulence?"

"NO! I was being sarcastic you half-wit of a half-wit!"

"You don't have to be mean about it," Suwa sniffled. "I don't know what's happening." Another spasm rocked the void, bouncing anything not bolted down, including Ueda and Suwa.

"Turn on the monitor!" Ueda yelled, clutching a pole. "See if you can get a picture!"

"The monitor's not working!" Suwa yelled back. He was worried. There had been stories about this happening before, tales older, more experienced workers told to scare the new recruits. They were horrifying stories about the void being taken over by enemy forces, like FUNimation, Anime4Kids, and TokyoPop. But the most horrible enemy that could ever breach the systems was known as _Them_.

Their true names were not mentioned, ever, and everyone feared them, even the old battle-seasoned veterans. There had only been one known attack, and the workers inside had never been seen again. No one knew what _Them_ looked like, but the stories told of them being mutants, with hair growing out everywhere, chanting evil incantations. Some said they were alien mutants, some said they were sewer mutants, and some said they came from the very depths of Hell, thrown out by the Devil himself. The void shifted, and the two men were thrown into the window.

"Holy Hell, what is that!" Ueda yelped, smushing his face into the glass.

"I think we're under attack," Suwa whispered.

What they saw made their blood run cold. Another so-called void was wriggling its way into the control port, pushing Ueda and Suwa's void out of the way. If they looked close enough, they could peer into the window of the alien void, and they could make out vague shapes moving around. The enemy void slammed into them again, pushing the windows side by side.

"Kami, we're doomed," Ueda muttered. "There's no way we can fend _Them_ off." Suwa nodded. It was useless; they were defeated and the battle hadn't even started yet.

Amazingly, the two were right. For inside the enemy void, was _Them_, a gaggle of authors, ranging in age from early childhood to late teens. Each wore some sign of being an InuYasha character groupie, some had on fake ears and fangs, others were cosplaying, and some of the more down-to-earth fans wore t-shirts. They moved about freely in their void, laughing like the maniacs they were, sometimes stopping to type something on the mammoth computer that graced one of the walls. One said something, illegible through the glass, and the rest of them laughed, while one of the older groupies, presumably the leader, quickly typed something down. Suwa and Ueda's void groaned, and began to drift away.

"STOP!" they yelled, banging on the glass, trying to get the enemies attention. One of the authors looked over, saw them motioning wordlessly, and gave them a cheeky grin. She picked up a notebook and marker, and wrote in large, loopy handwriting, complete with hearts,

"SYSTEM OVER RIDING. TAKING OVER PORT."

"NOOOOOO!" the two Japanese men yelled.

"SYSTEM OVER RIDDEN. WE ARE IN CONTROL NOW. HAVE A NICE DAY!"

The void of nothingness groaned one final time, before all cables attaching it to the port snapped, and was hurtled throughout space and time, carrying two panicked men, and leaving a gaggle of evil-minded authors behind.

"Time to have some fun!" the leader yelled, pumping her fist into the air. "sAnGo'SmAn987582 Version 2.5, would you like the honor of being the first to introduce your idea?" The young man, maybe about ten or eleven grinned, and started to move towards the chair, but was stopped by a small girl clinging to his arm.

"That's no fair," she pouted. "He'll just write himself into the story so he can end up with Sango. I'm the one who's the actual writer! I wanna write!" sAnGo'SmAn987582 Version 2.5 shrugged, and said,

"I don't really care, as long I get to write myself in at some point."

"It will be done," the leader said, relinquishing her seat to the diminutive girl.

"Oh yeah, this is gonna be good!" she squealed, pigtails and fake boa thingy bouncing. "SessKagfan008 reporting for duty!"

.:000000000000000000000:.

The blinding light faded, and the world once again came into focus for the three in the skeleton. Kagome had fallen off her branch during the confusion, and was nursing her sore bottom on the ground, while InuYasha and Sesshoumaru blinked rapidly, trying to clear their eyes of flashing dots. None of them were aware of the struggle that had happened in the void of nothingness.

"What the fuck just happened?" InuYasha demanded to know, pinching the bridge of his nose. "It gave me a fucking migraine!"

"No one cares about you, you-" Sesshoumaru stopped in the middle of his insult, eyes glazing over and becoming unfocused. A faint whimsical smile played upon his lips. Hazy gold eyes fixed on Kagome, and she stiffened like a deer caught in the glare of oncoming headlights, froze like a girl's boyfriend when he's been caught watching dirty movies on his computer again. "Kagome." He spoke softly.

They say a picture is worth a million words. Perhaps they were talking about the genuine expression of horror on InuYasha's face when Sesshoumaru whisked by him, scooped up Kagome, and made haste out of the skeleton. Of course, InuYasha did not really see all of this happen. All he saw was a white blur rush past his face, was boa-whipped the next second, and then all he could hear was the soft 'eep' of Kagome echoing throughout the empty cavern of his father's ribcage.

"What. The. Hell. Did. I. Just. See?" InuYasha punctuated to nobody in particular. He looked around, as if the answer to his question would come floating by.

"That, master," a small voice, wisdom found by age, spoke from his shoulder. "Was what I like to call A.P.S." The voice belonged to Myoga, the unfaithful retainer to the Inu-family. He had lived through many ages, and knew knowledge that no one else knew, or that was deemed unimportant.

"What's A.P.S?" InuYasha, always in a perpetual state of confusion and ignorance, asked.

"A.P.S. Author Possession Syndrome," the flea explained. Upon seeing InuYasha's still mystified expression, he deliberated. "It happens sometimes in animes and mangas. Groups form cults of sorts, and they attract members by advertising that people can write their own fanfictions without being apprehended by the law. People come up with their own ideas, or ideas that have been overused, and they use us in them. Authors then collect power from sources called R.E.V.I.E.W.S. or Remember, English Verification Isn't Essential With Sentences."

"When enough of these R.E.V.I.E.W.S. have been collected, it gives the author power to overthrow certain limitations between their world and ours, so that they can infiltrate this world and reek havoc amongst us."

"I've never seen that happen," InuYasha mumbled. Myoga shushed him.

"Let me continue. Doing so requires a massive amount of R.E.V.I.E.W.S. power, so usually no one has enough to do so. But sometimes, authors band together, and combine their R.E.V.I.E.W.S. to form one massive unit. Although dangerous, they can harness it and use it to hack themselves into the anime."

InuYasha wanted to know, "What does this have to do with that bastard?"

"If you stop interrupting me, I'll explain further. Once hacked into the system, these authors can use their Keyboard of Submission to take over another character. That's what A.P.S. is. Your brother has been taken over by one of these authors, and is being subjected to O.O.C.D. or Out Of Character Disorder. He will not act himself until the author becomes tired, is replaced, or the lot of them has been exterminated."

"But why did he take Kagome? He doesn't even like humans," InuYasha pointed out. Myoga rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Hmmm, I'm guessing that this particular author likes Alternate Pairings, and that the favorite is Kagome and Sesshoumaru."

"Is there anything we can do?"

"We have to wait it out. If we lose Kagome, we'll have to find a replacement."

"Whaddaya mean 'lose'?" Myoga shrugged.

"We don't know what the author is thinking. It could happen that the author might just kill off Kagome for effect."

"They can do that?" InuYasha sounded gruesomely amazed, like when there's been an accident where the person was ejected from their car, and there's always that group of people around the poor person, gawking at him. Myoga looked up at him, eyes serious.

"You have no clue as to where their power extends, or as to how far they are willing to use it," he said ominously. "Which is why," he said, hopping down from InuYasha's shoulder. "I'm going to make myself very scarce until this whole mess clears up!" With that, Myoga zoomed away.

"Damn you!" InuYasha called after him. "I have to wait here alone until Kagome comes back, if she ever does."

Jaken spoke up. "I'm here!"

"You don't count, toady!"

Jaken continued as if he hadn't heard InuYasha's comment. He was used to that. Sesshoumaru treated him like dirt anyway, what difference did it make if InuYasha started insulting him? "We'd best hope that those authors don't like Yaoi, or we're in trouble." InuYasha's hair stood on end.

"Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts," he muttered, rocking back and forth, curling up into a ball. "Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts…"

.:00000000000000000000:.

Ever since she was three years old, Kagome had daydreams about being whisked away by a handsome prince to live in his castle, and all in all, living the good life.

A demon lord did not qualify as a prince.

Especially not a demon lord who hated humans.

So Kagome couldn't really be blamed for being shocked into silence the whole time Sesshoumaru carried her away. Her mind worked, going a mile a minute trying to come up with a good explanation for this, but the best she could come up with was that he had eaten some very strange mushrooms and this was the side effect, something that even _she_ highly doubted plausible. And that left with her a disturbing question. Why was he, of all demons, carrying her off somewhere, and why was he still wearing that glazed expression? The expression alone was enough to scare Kagome senseless, ignoring everything else.

"_Why does this always happen to me?"_ she thought, the fact that she had never engaged in this sort activity before cast to the side. However, Sesshoumaru seemed to have found what he was looking for finally, and though she had finally settled into a comfortable position, he unceremoniously dropped to the ground, surveying the land before him.

Kagome was beginning to think falling on her bottom was becoming a regular practice. From her position on the ground, and once again, rubbing out the soreness, she spoke up, "What are you doing?" Not the most brilliant of questions, but it was a start, and she desperately needed that.

"Yes, I think this is suitable," Sesshoumaru said, mostly to himself, giving no indication whatsoever of hearing Kagome's question. "This is, in fact, perfect. I commend myself."

"What's perfect?" Kagome asked, straightening up, looking around at the field stretched out around her. A closer inspection revealed the cliff-like thing farther out, was in reality, a castle, a sprawling affair that stretched out the entire horizon. "What's with the castle?"

"It's mine."

"You have a castle?"

"No, not yet."

"Then why do you say it's yours?" Once again, she found herself confused by Sesshoumaru's antics. He simply shrugged.

"I'll make it mine," was the simple answer.

"But what about the people there?" Kagome asked, always concerned for the welfare of others, or at least, when it served to get her out of doing something she didn't want to do, and she wasn't too particularly sure she wanted to be involved in this situation.

"They don't matter," he said, flexing his claws. Kagome gulped audibly. "It says in the manual that I need a castle. So, there's my castle."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back up there a minute," Kagome exclaimed, pointing a finger into his chest, or she would have, if she hadn't hit armor. "Manual for what!"

"Here, see for yourself." He reached into said armor, and after a moment of digging through, produced a slim book, which he tossed to her. She caught it, and turned to the cover.

"Writing Sesshoumaru/Kagome Fics For the Hormonal Masses," she read, brow furrowing, eyes traveling back to read the title again. "What is this?" She flipped open, and began reading from a random page. "And in this chapter, we talk about the excellent (if not clichéd) use of having Sesshoumaru and Kagome profess their love to lead into a lemon…What?" Kagome's voice rose to a high-pitched squeal. "What lemons! What the hell is going on?" Of course, Kagome had never heard of A.P.S., and she knew nothing of its symptoms, making her helpless to stop the events that were playing out. In reality, there was no stopping it, but she could have least known he had nothing against her; he was just being forced to act like that.

Somewhere, in the recess of his mind, the real Sesshoumaru was kicking himself and yelling bloody threats, promising to dismember Kagome and any other person involved, authors included.

"You want to jump to the lemon?" he asked, slightly bemused, while the real him inside his mind positioned his sword at his wrist and asked for just one more reason, and he would do it. "I didn't get to that part yet, but if you want to skip all the other steps, I guess that's okay." At the first mention of 'lemon' Kagome dropped the book, and now she stood as stiff as board, face chalky white.

"Ummm, you know, that's okay," she said, not facing him. Her voice shook with slight apprehension. "You finish reading, and I'll go somewhere else. Somewhere very far away." As she said this, she began to quietly sneak away, hoping that he would fall for it. If she could just get away, she could figure out what the hell was going on! Not to mention saving herself from a lemon!

He didn't.

Before she could take ten steps, he reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her back to him, effectively cutting off her escape route. Kagome whimpered. _"Not good! This is most definitely not good!"_ her mind shouted at her, but she was trapped, and she could only wriggle in terror as Sesshoumaru's face came closed and closer to hers.

.:000000000000000000:.

While Kagome was suffering, InuYasha found himself in a rather displeasing and creepy situation.

It had started out bad enough; he had to listen to Jaken spew on and on about Sesshoumaru, and about all the weird habits Jaken had acquired over the years, and if that wasn't torture, then nothing was. Then, before either of them had time to react, InuYasha felt himself being lifted up by an unseen force, and he was carried away, leaving behind a ranting Jaken.

("Yes, we got the other void working!" one the authors proudly announced back to the mother-ship. "When we found this one, we were afraid it wouldn't work. Now we can work on stories simultaneously!")

"What the fuck just happened, and where the fuck am I!" InuYasha shouted once the unseen force had deposited him in a deserted alleyway. "And what the fuck am I wearing?" he yelped, only now noticing his red fire-rat kimono and hakama were gone. Replacing them were ripped black jeans that trailed onto the floor, with baggy pockets and chains hanging to ground. He wore a black _Punisher_ tee for a shirt, one that was self-tailored to show as much muscle as was possible. Ears twitched in confusion and agitation, and something jingled, applying slight pressure to the appendage. "My ears are pierced?" He reached up to touch it, and to his horror, found not one piercing, but several, and only on that one ear. "My fucking ears are pierced…and my eyebrow! And my nose! What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?"

Those author things were behind this; InuYasha just knew it. And he would be damned if he allowed himself to get caught in whatever they were scheming. He would find some way around it, get out of whatever hellhole he was trapped in, and get back to Jaken. At least Jaken was semi-sane, and InuYasha would rather listen to three hours of Jaken's annoying voice, than stand around in a smelly alleyway, waiting for whatever it was those author things had planned for him. With that in mind, he turned, fully intent on leaving the alleyway behind him. Unfortunately, he had waited too long, and what the authors had planned for him had already found him.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going, you stupid ass?" InuYasha blinked at the sound of the voice. It sounded like Kagome, but Kagome was nice to a fault, and she never cursed like that…

"Kagome?" he asked tentatively. The girl in front of him sighed impatiently.

"Jackass," she snarled. "I told you never to call me by my fucking real name. It's Sadame!"

By this time, InuYasha was beyond confused. True, the girl's name was Kagome, though she adamantly seemed to hate it, and her face was Kagome's, besides the heaps of black massacre that outlined her eyes, but other than that, the girl was not Kagome. The Kagome he knew did not wear short black skirts that were ripped, nor did she wear a black tank top with a fishnet over shirt. Kagome was not supposed to be wearing a collar with black spikes around her neck, and she was not supposed to be wearing platform boots with spikes coming out of them as well. In fact, she was not supposed to be wearing spikes in general. Kagome didn't wear makeup; this one shoveled it one by the truckload, her face was a pasty white, her eyes were two rings of black, and lips were a dark purple.

Apparently, Kagome from the Hellhole did.

"Err…" InuYasha started, not sure if he wanted to continue this conversation.

"What's that matter with you," the Hellhole Kagome asked him, fishing around in her pocket for a cigarette. "You're usually cursing away at someone, or kicking Koga's ass. You need to get laid or something?" She finally found her cigarette, already partially used, and lit up, the acrid smell of smoke irritating InuYasha's sensitive nose as she peered into his face.

"I…uh…" Too flustered to speak, InuYasha could barely even form a coherent sentence, never mind actually answer the question.

"Yeah, I think you do," Hellhole Kagome answered for him, stepping back, snuffing out her cigarette on the wall. "Hold this for a second." She handed him her collar. It took InuYasha several seconds before he realized what she was doing.

"Gah! Put your shirt back on!" he screeched, voice breaking several octaves in agitation and horror.

"Oh, shut up," she replied unperturbed. "What's up with you today? You're fucking freaking me out. Cut the crap!" She moved closed to him, pushing her chest into his arm.

"Enngah! What are you doing?"

"What does it look like genius?"

"You mean here?"

"No shit Sherlock!"

InuYasha whimpered. _"Why do bad things always happen to me?"_ he wondered.

.:00000000000000000000:.

"Lemon, lemon, lemon, lemon, lemon," chanted an author in a singsong voice. "I'm gonna write a lemon, a lemon, a lemon. I'm gonna write a lemon, with Inu-chan and Ka-go-me!" The surrounding authors gathered around her, and begin giving her their input.

"How are you going to write it?"

"Is this your first one?"

"Make it really romantic!"

"Don't listen to her! Make it really explicit!

"What chapter is it in?" The one writing chose to answer this one.

"It's in chapter fifty!"

"Oh, wow, like, how much do you write in, like, a chapter?"

"About a hundred words or so."

"Damn, that's good."

No one noticed the Gummi Ship careening towards the void, until it made contact, crashing into the void with Earth-shattering, bone-jarring, horrific speed, smashing the void into millions of little pieces.

.:00000000000000000:.

"Uhhh, Sora, I think you hit something back there," Goofy said, turning around in his seat to look back.

"Yeah, well tell that to the Heartless behind us," Sora replied. Really, couldn't they have left Goofy in Hollow Bastion? He was so annoying, and he used up items like they were nothing. Sora was broke now thanks to him.

.:00000000000000000:.

"punkkag0999, do you hear me? punkkag0999, where are you?" the lead author sat back, pushing her bangs away from her eyes. "This doesn't look good. I think we've lost them."

"What happened!" SessKagfan008 asked worriedly, pigtails bouncing in alarm.

"Hey, what's that weird thingy coming at us?" another asked, pointing to the window. The remaining gaggle of authors crowed around it, jostling each other for a better look at the thingy.

"Mother of Fandom!" one yelled. I know what that is! It's used in Crossovers all the time! It's a Gummi Ship!" The others gasped; fear flooding them as they realized who it was that was flying the Gummi Ship.

"We're all doomed!" sAnGo'SmAn987582 Version 2.5 yelled.

"I told you we should have taken them captive!" another screamed, hitting the leader on the head. "Now look what's happened!"

.:00000000000000000:.

"Target in range," Ueda said from the cockpit of the Gummi Ship. "Prepare to launch laser."

"Who would have known we could buy one of these things for only a thousand munny!" Suwa exclaimed. "Quick, launch the laser! I want to see them scatter!"

("Scatter! Scatter! Abandon ship!" the leader yelled, taking a mini-void. "Every author for themselves!")

"Aiming. And firing!" Ueda opened fire on the void, explosions lighting the void-space in bursts.

("We'll be back!" yelled the remaining authors from the mini-voids. "You'll see! You can't defeat us!")

"We've done it!" Suwa yelled as the Gummi Ship attached to the port. "Now all that's left is to reverse the damage!" He and Ueda began to erase all the files the authors had saved on the computer, effectively eliminating the chains A.P.S. had on any of the characters.

.:00000000000000000:.

Sesshoumaru stiffened as the world went white again, his hold on Kagome slacking. She took the initiative, and before anything else could happen, she ran off, heading to what she hoped was the well.

"Never again," she muttered as she ran. "Oh, no, never!"

"What am I doing?" Sesshoumaru asked to no one in particular. He blinked several times, tying to make sense out of his surroundings, and why he could smell that human girl all around him. "Hnn…"

.:00000000000000000:.

InuYasha had never been happier to see the white light again in his life. The unseen force that had carried him to the alleyway picked him up again, and in a few seconds, he was back in the skeleton, in his old clothes, with no Hellhole Kagome anywhere near him.

"You suck, you know." When she received no comment, she opened her eyes, and found that InuYasha was nowhere to be found. "What the fuck! You can disappear now? Or were you just an apparition…I should stop doing those mushrooms…they really screw me over big time."

.:00000000000000000:.

Yes kiddies, you shouldn't do mushrooms, or else you'll fry your brain, and you'll be a vegetable for the rest of your life.

Quick everyone! Give me R.E.V.I.E.W.S. power!


End file.
